Friday, July 13, 2012

Crushed by Responsibility

I am responsible.

I am responsible for dishes, and laundry, and general house cleanliness (I fail a bit..ok a lot... here). I am responsible for getting the children up and feeding most meals. I am responsible for keeping the kids clean and school registration. I am responsible for doctor appointments and dental appointments. I am responsible for waking them up and getting them ready for school or preschool or whatever day it might be. I am responsible for the dogs; training them, feeding them, scheduling groomings and vet care. I am responsible for my own health and the health of my family. I don't cook...very well. I am responsible to blame for my youngest's lack of taste (in food). I am responsible to keep myself as fit as I can, while keeping up all the other things.

I am responsible for the bills. I manage Quicken and make the decisions about when we pay what bills, when I get overwhelmed, the husband helps me out. I feel responsible to NOT spend anything extra when we own anyone anything for any amount of time. I feel responsible when the dogs chew something. I feel responsible when the kids get too annoying and we can't take it anymore and our voices get loud and then there's crying and hurt feelings. I feel responsible when I just can't read another book at bedtime because I'm aching to just sit and be.

I'm crushed by responsibility. I'd like to just relax and not worry about any of it. But I can't do that. It's not within me to NOT know when the bills are being paid or what our disposable cash flow will be at any moment. It's not within me to leave all of these things to someone else. Partially because I don't know who that person would be and partially because I don't think I trust anyone else to do it right.

(Lest anyone point out that I didn't mention these things...I am not responsible for the pool/spa, house appliance maintenance, the yard or the car maintenance. Thank heavens for that.)

I'd like to be just a little bit irresponsible someday. Maybe when all these responsibilities pay off we can be a little irresponsible. Being responsible is tiring.

2 comments:

  1. Oh my friend. Be irresponsible with something tiny. Skip an appointment that isn't important. Eat cheerios for dinner instead of cooking. Pay a bill one day late. Set aside a few dollars a week to do something silly with. That makes no sense to anyone. Yourself included. Breathe. Live. Enjoy life. You only live once! I think I am the opposite most days. Maybe we need to teach each other :)

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    1. Thank you. I'm about to be irresponsible with an amazon order. A small one, but still. The girls eat cereal for dinner all the time, I'm regularly irresponsible with that. Thanks for the reminder :) I think this post just came from a reality check I recently had and maybe a touch of PMS :)

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