Friday, March 25, 2011
I need to write a letter to my mother. We haven't spoken in something like ten years. Yeah yeah, technically that's a long time, but whatever. I'm not in any hurry to open any lines of anything with her. Every time I tried to talk to her in the past, it backfired. She doesn't listen and doesn't HEAR me, so I'm only afraid that any attempt will result in the same frustrations. But I know it's something I need to do. I need to tell her the problems I have with 'reconciling' and the fallout we've all experienced from her decision to leave over twelve years ago. I NEED to get it all out there. I want to say I've forgiven her, but every time I think through that, I get angry and so I'm not sure that I truly have forgiven her. I guess I don't know exactly what that means really. Do I have to not be angry about any of it anymore? Do I have to talk to her as though everything is like it was twelve years ago? Do we have to be friends? Can I forgive her and still get her not to talk to me? For now, I procrastinate. In an effort to procrastinate more, I'll probably elaborate via blog and dwell on all these questions instead.